About The Webmaster
Personal and Legal
Warning - the personal part is long as you can see.
The 1st 3 paragraphs cover the basics.
The rest is only if you really want to know my story.
My name is Mike and I think I should start with legalities.
I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or anything like that. I'm just a person who knows a little about suicide, and a lot about websites and search engines, so I decided to put up this site to help others find material about suicide. The basic material on this site is stuff I know from experience. For more accurate, complete, or professional information, I do or will provide links to other sources, and will add more links as I have time. I just thought, since I know how to make a site easy to find with searches, I'll put something together to help others find information. Why? ...
Read about me and you'll know why I decided to put this site up.
Lets start off right to the point. I was suicidal, more than once, and I've come close to getting what I wanted. Notice how I said wanted, not want? That's called past tense. To be exact, it was summer 1979 to spring 1987, then fall 1987 to spring 1998; then it became controllable. I was born in the fall of 1963, so with a bit of math, as of spring 2008, 40% of my life was in depression, so I can safely say I've had some experience with it. ;-)
Here's a quick overview of my life, as far as suicide goes, to give you an idea of
It all started the day I was born, according to specialists. It was just a couple months ago when I found out exactly what it was that I have. A psychologist found the problem in spring of 98, but it hadn't yet had a name. He just knew my brain had a chemical imbalance and gave me a prescription to adjust for it. Once the pills started taking effect, I felt like a different person. A couple months ago I found out that what I had (have forever) is called "Bipolar II Disorder". It's an illness frequently caused by a chemical imbalance that causes mood swings, from depression most of the time, to occasional bursts of activity and energy (hyperactive). Some people, like myself, are born with it and will die with it, hopefully a natural rather than self-inflicted death. Knowing the problem makes a big difference in coping with it.
Back to that overview...
I'll keep it as short as I can, but hey, if you want to know my experience with suicide, this is the story.
Up to the age of 15, everything seemed normal, but now that I look back, it helps explain why I had temper tantrums with my sister. It really kicked in on one particular day. We were never a really close family, and those magic words "I love you" were rare. One day we were visiting relatives. They had a hill in their back yard. I was standing at the top of the hill, and my left knee gave out, and I tumbled down the hill. It's funny isn't it? Watching a 15 yr old tumbling down a hill. We do it for fun all the time, but this time wasn't for fun. I was lying on the ground with my kneecap around the side of my knee crying and in pain while my parents and cousins were laughing. They were only laughing for a few seconds, then my father came over to help me up and had to carry me to the car, but to me it seemed like they were laughing for several minutes. We drove back home and called the family doctor. He said to meet him at the hospital the next morning. I was to go to bed with my kneecap on the side of my leg. That was when my suicidal experience began.
Remember I said the words "I love you" were rare? First, everyone, even my parents, laugh while I'm in pain, then they tell me to go to bed because the doc said so. Bipolar is triggered by things like that. Basically, people with Bipolar are much more sensitive to things that may affect a persons mood. That incident changed the rest of my life. I didn't realise it at first, but soon after I did. I quit going to family things, like visiting relatives, camping, whatever. I always stayed home and worked on electronics or photography stuff. I even lived in my own world at school. I became a hermit. One day I was walking over an overpass, stopped, looked down, and thought about how dramatic it would be to jump down in front of a transport. Weird thing is, I didn't know why I thought that. I didn't even realise I had become a hermit. My lifestyle just changed, and once in a while I thought about death.
The next 3 years were pretty consistent, be alone all the time, just live day to day, and think about ways to die without knowing why, then I just became a true hermit for the next 5 years. No friends, no dating, never leaving the house unless I had to. During that 5 years I wasn't really suicidal, but did almost always think about life not being worth living and how much nicer it could be to be dead. Then March 3, 1987 my life took a new direction.
My new life, temporarily...
My brother started going to church a few months ago and wanted me to go with him. Sunday March 1, 1987 I went with him, mainly to see what they were brainwashing into him, and the part of town where the church was had a power outage so no service. Tuesday March 3, 1987 I went, then again Thursday, then Sunday morning and evening. I told him I'd go for one week. I felt something there and decided to keep going; then one day a lady started talking to me. Next thing I knew, we were going out. For the first time in 8 years I was happy, happy to be alive. That only lasted 6 months though.
Things got serious between the 2 of us fast and after 5 months I asked her to marry me. She said yes. Soon after, she had to go away for a few weeks. When she came back, she told me it was over. A normal person would have a broken heart. Someone with Bipolar would not be able to take it. That evening I went on a major highway to end my life once and for all. It was one of those divided highways, 2 lanes each side with ground in between. There was an overpass where the ground is level and there were 3 nice cement posts. Cops sometimes parked there to go after speeders in either direction. I was going to see if my car could take out the middle pole... at 90mph. God stopped me.
If you really don't believe in God, don't read this paragraph.
I was at 90mph and the overpass was in sight. It was time to start turning the wheel and I had no doubt about my plans. The only thing on my mind was how wonderful it'll be when it's over, but then I started turning the steering wheel and it wouldn't go, tried harder, then it was too late. I passed the posts. I pulled off to the side to try to figure out what happened and thought there must be a small part of me that didn't want to do it, but I couldn't find that part of me. Then I thought, maybe God wasn't letting me do it. I went back a few miles and went for it again, but this time I told God that he's not stopping me. As I approached the overpass I grabbed the wheel with both hands, then started pulling down, then I came off the seat and the car didn't turn. I knew God was the one stopping me, so I pulled off the road again and had a little chat with him. I told him I'm going home and getting my gun. He can't stop me from doing that.
I told you not to read this paragraph if you don't believe in God. The next one will be a bit easier to believe.
God didn't let me end my life on the highway, so I told him he couldn't stop me from shooting myself. I went home, got my 22, went to my room, loaded, cocked, and pointed it; then I said, "lets see you stop this", and waited for a couple seconds. I heard a very faint voice, (a still, small voice), that sounded like it was coming from my head. It said:
I've told you that things will get better, but you have to have faith in me. You can't do it yourself.
I don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it, so I waited another few seconds, then made a decision. My birthday was 2 weeks away and I knew I did not want another birthday, so I said, "fine, I'll wait 2 weeks, but if my life hasn't changed, it ends at midnight the night before my birthday", and I put the gun away. My birthday is Nov 1, the day after Halloween. What better time to go than at midnight Halloween night.
Talk about miracles...
The next day was Sunday. I was still going to church, but wasn't really there. I had cousins who went there too, but we never really even talked to any relatives. The most we'd ever said at church was hi. I went the next morning and evening, and after evening church was over my cousin came to me and said, "I hear you're good at math". I said ya, and she asked if I could go to their house for a few minutes to help one of their kids with some math that she couldn't understand. I was still a hermit and never did more than just going back home so I thought, "sure, I'm ending my life in 2 weeks anyway so maybe it'll be nice to get my mind off the subject for a bit". I went over, helped with some math, went home, thought about my plans again and went to bed. The next day they called me and asked if I could help again. I did, and did again for the next few days helping 3 kids with homework, then one day I was getting ready to leave and the kids asked if I could stay to just visit. The next few days my life was changing, but I was still going to go through with my plans. So what if my cousin and her husband liked my company and the kids liked me. That wasn't a reason to live, was it?
I guess it was, sort of...
Halloween 1987 was here - my last day on earth. I went to help with homework for the last time and was going to go home so they could go get their candies. The kids wanted me to go with them. I said no and the whole family made me change my mind. Fine, I'll spend my last hours with the kids before I go. We went out for candy, not me though, and went back to their house and I sat down to visit for a bit. I still had a couple hours left. One of the kids came over with her bag of candy and asked if she could sit on my knee, so I picked her up; then the younger one wanted up too. When the 2nd one was on my other knee, they both looked up at me and smiled. That started a war in my head.
99% of me still wanted to go home and end it all, but there was 1% that was saying, "see, they love you", but it didn't matter. They would get tired of me and not want me coming any more, and besides, they weren't my family, so I was still going to end it all before my birthday arrives. Next thing I knew, both of them were asleep in my arms. They looked so cute and lovable, so I decided to wait a bit before going home.
It was now quarter after 11, time to go home. I was going to get up, put them in the seat, and go, but my place was only a 5 minute drive away and for the first time in years I was happy, so I decided I may as well die happy, wait till quarter to and just go do it. I wasn't the slightest bit tired, but all of a sudden I woke up and it was 12:02. I remember that clearly. My birthday had arrived. What the Hell happened. I wasn't tired. How did I fall asleep? It was too late to prevent my birthday from arriving so I went home and just laid in bed for the night. In the morning they called and wanted me to come back over. I figured more homework. I knocked on the door, they said come in, I walked in, and the 2 girls who fell asleep on my lap the night before came running to the door yelling Happy Birthday and jumped into my arms. Tears started running down my face. Everyone asked what's wrong and I said not a thing. I spent the whole day there and that evening their father and I were just chatting at the table when he asked what I was crying about that morning. I told him the whole story.
My life had changed, but it wasn't normal yet. It never will be normal.
I started spending most of my free time at my cousin's house with the kids and parents, and I was getting active once again in church. A few months later I met a family they knew and started babysitting for them. That was probably as close as I'll ever get to being a Dad. My life seemed to be normal, except I didn't know yet that I had an illness that was not cured. For the next few years I was living rather happily, but did still have suicidal tendencies now and then, mostly when I was at home alone for more than a few minutes at a time, so I spent most of my free time with my cousins or babysitting for the other family. The next several years were lived one day at a time with ups and downs, (from the Bipolar), but were good overall. They were the happiest years of my life, but...
I still had Bipolar, still had depression and suicidal periods, and even became an alcoholic for a few months, and over time the depression got more frequent and more severe and caused some problems in my life, including legal problems, but in January 98 I was sent to a psychiatrist. After 4 discussion periods, he prescribed an anti-depressant, and a couple weeks later I was feeling different. I wasn't feeling depressed. Shortly after that I was sent to a psychologist who specializes in depression type of problems. He did some tests and told me I had a chemical imbalance and changed my prescription to what he said was a mood stabilizer. That was spring of 98 and the first time in years that I was actually looking forward to life and started making plans for my future. I was 35 and finally ready to start living.
Not long after that my brother got me surfing the net, and now several years later, and quite Internet savvy, I decided to put up this site. I've always been the kind of person who likes helping others, as a kid, during my depression, and especially now. I lost a lot of years of my life because of an illness, and if it weren't for young people, like my cousin's kids, and a few others who came into my life, I WOULD NOT be alive today. My life goals are to help young people around the world in as many ways as possible. This site is just one of them.
Now where do you want to go?
-- I'm suicidal and want help to live. --
-- I'm suicidal and want help to die. --
-- I'm dying and want to end my life. --
-- I know someone who is suicidal and want to help them live. --
-- I know someone who is suicidal and want to help them die. --
-- I know someone who is dying and wants to end their life. --
-- Someone I love has attempted or committed suicide. --
-- I'm just curious or looking for more information about suicide. --
about the webmaster